Enneagram Type Four relationship with Enneagram Type Nine

Enneagram Type Four with Enneagram Type Nine


Why the Attraction?

  • Fours and Nines are attracted both to their similarities and their Both are idealistic, romantic and looking for their soul mate, which they feel they’ve found in each other. They are both extremely intuitive and enjoy communicating as much non-verbally as verbally. As withdrawn types, Fours and Nines like their autonomy but both like to merge with their partner on a deep level too. Both tend to be rather sensual.
  • Fours are initially attracted to Nines because they are so nonjudgmental and Fours feel understood by Nines and accepted just for who they are which allays the Four’s fears of abandonment and rejection.Fours also appreciate Nine’s calming, patient presence that relaxes the Four.
  • Nines, like Fours, are sensitive, friendly, empathic and don’t like That means this couple really cares about each other and gets along well. Fours like that Nines are easy-going and almost always willing to do what the Four wants to do.
  • Nines are initially attracted to Fours because of their ability to make the Nine feel Nines are also attracted to Four’s compassion for other’s suffering but most of all their emotional intensity. Nines like being stimulated by lively, energetic, passionate people because it gives them the sensation of being more alive.Fours can listen well to Nines (when healthy) and help them get more in touch with their feelings.


Some Shared Positive Traits

  • Are idealistic, intuitive, sensual and passionate
  • Can understand each other deeply and non verbally
  • Are both able to truly accept other people for who they really are, warts and all
  • Are relationship oriented
  • Are sensitive to the needs and feelings of others
  • Can be highly creative
  • Are compassionate/empathetic to the suffering of others
  • Have a deep connection with each other yet enjoy some autonomy and “space in their togetherness”
  • Are tender-hearted, caring and understanding
  • Are often interested in developing their inner life


Some Shared Negative Traits

  • Can be withdrawn and private
  • Can resist influence from others
  • Can feel deficient
  • Can be self-deprecating
  • Can become inactive by living too much in their imagination
  • Can be hypersensitive and get their feelings hurt easily
  • Can over-idealize a romantic partner then become disillusioned
  • Can have inferiority feelings
  • Can be stubborn and controlling


Differing Traits (and Potential Sources of Frustration or Balance)

  • Self-referencing, Self-absorbed (Fours) Other-referencing, Other-absorbed (Nines)
  • Want to keep life intense and exhilarating (Fours) Want to keep life steady and comfortable (Nines)
  • Temperamental (Fours) Emotionally even-keeled (Nines)
  • Want to stand out, be unique (Fours) Want to fit in (Nines)
  • Self-dissatisfied (Fours) self-satisfied (Nines)
  • Negative thinking (Fours) Positive thinking (Nines)
  • Can be demanding (Fours) Basically undemanding (Nines)
  • Seek intensity and passion in a relationship (Fours) Seek comfort and peace in a relationship (Nines)


Potential Problems

  • Fours and Nines don’t like However, Fours tend to focus on what’s missing in their relationship and when that happens they can start to be more demanding and critical of the Nine. Nines give unconditional acceptance to their partner and want it in return. Fours are looking for excitement and intensity in a relationship. Nines are looking for comfort. Therein lies the rub. As the relationship gets comfortable over time Fours will miss the emotional “juice” of the romance stage that made them feel alive. As Four gets more demanding and critical Nine gets more disengaged, emotionally lifeless, uncommunicative and unresponsive

– the very opposite of what Four wants! Fours can become even more demanding and dramatic as they hate being ignored. It can also ignite Fours fear of abandonment and rejection. Fours can be very nasty when their sensitive feelings get hurt. They will start blaming and accusing the Nine of being neglectful.

  • Nines can see Fours as too: demanding, critical, moody, self-absorbed, dramatic, unpredictable, emotionally volatile and Nines get angered by Four’s demands for more intensity and initiative. They also don’t like being devalued and vehemently rejected when they haven’t changed.
  • Fours can see Nines as too: neglectful of their own priorities and of the Four, comfort seeking, impossible to get through to, stubborn, irresponsible and lazy, lacking in intensity and vitality, boring and hopelessly



For Fours

  • Help your Nine feel as important and special to you as you want to feel to him/her. Nines hate to be ignored and you can have a nasty habit of pushing your Nine away when
  • Nines hate to be criticized and judged as much as you do so learn to accept your Nine without trying to change him/her. Isn’t that what you like so much about your Nine?


For Nines

  • Fours can be difficult to relate to with their neediness, disdain for ordinary relating, desire for more, Learn to accept emotional fluctuations and moodiness as part of a Four’s style, just as keep the peace and a proclivity for comfort are part of your style.