Enneagram Type Four relationship with Enneagram Type Eight

Enneagram Type Four with Enneagram Type Eight


Why the Attraction?

  • This is a relationship based on intensity and Both Fours and Eights are passionate people with powerful emotional responses and deep feelings (although Eight’s aren’t readily apparent on the surface).Both seek plenty of excitement and stimulation in their relationship and are prone to be impetuous when sexually aroused and energetically push the limits in other areas of life too.
  • Fours are initially attracted to Eight’s visceral energy, strong presence, charisma and Fours take Eight’s bluntness, passion and vitality as being in touch with their feelings. Fours admire Eight’s lack of pretension and naturalness. Eights seem to be authentic, like Fours. Fours also love Eight’s bigheartedness and disregard for social conventions (just like Fours).
  • Fours love that Eights see their creative potential and encourage them to put their unique creativity into theLastly, Fours appreciate that Eights don’t get enmeshed in their mood swings and are unwavering through the Four’s ups and downs.
  • Eights are initially attracted to Four’s intensity, idealism, nobility of purpose, rebellious streak and Eights are also attracted to Four’s elegance, mysteriousness, interesting mind, emotional complexity and depth, and individuality. Eights also like that Four’s will stand up against them in a fight.
  • Fours and Eights are very intuitive and have a great “BS” They see through people’s pretenses and manipulative tactics very quickly and are nobody’s fool.


Some Shared Positive Traits

  • Are intense, passionate and have strong emotional responses to each other
  • Are attracted to stimulating, exciting experiences that make them feel alive
  • Are expressive
  • Are committed to getting to the truth
  • Are genuine and real with no pretenses
  • Have strong convictions
  • Like to bring out and empower the potentials and possibilities in people


Some Shared Negative Traits

  • Can be impulsive, reckless and live life on the edge (for the sensation of being alive)
  • Can be controlling and willful
  • Can be contrary and oppositional
  • Can be excessive
  • Have vulnerable feelings (which are often hidden or unconscious in the Eight)
  • Can be stormy and volatile
  • Can be dominating (Eights energetically and Fours emotionally)


Differing Traits (and Potential Sources of Frustration or Balance)

  • Refined and delicate (Fours) Coarse and robust (Eights)
  • Quiet and Peaceful (Fours) Loud and Boisterous (Eights)
  • Impractical, Idealistic (Fours) Practical, Realistic (Eights)
  • Sensitive and Friendly (Fours) Insensitive and Menacing (Eights)
  • Reveal vulnerabilities (Fours) Deny vulnerabilities (they are very much there, but well hidden) (Eights)
  • Self-doubting (Fours) Self-confident (Eights)
  • Outwardly Emotional (Fours) Inwardly Emotional (Eights)
  • Seek to rule themselves by going inward (Fours) Seek to rule others by going outward (Eights)


Potential Problems

  • Fours and Eights hate to be controlled yet both can be controlling and possessive because of fears of rejection (Four and Eight), fears of abandonment (Four) and fears of betrayal (Eight). Fours and Eights are emotionally reactive and volatile They can provoke each other just to intensify the relationship. If  Four or Eight feels as if s/he is being controlled then all hell can break lose.
  • Fours can see Eights as too: overpowering, crude, insensitive to Four’s feelings, demanding and controlling, dominating and Eights don’t know their own impact on others and so often come on too strong. Eights can be aggressively demanding. Fours don’t like to be ordered or bossed around but Eights feel the need to be in control. So, arguing, fighting and even physical violence can be the result.
  • Eights can see Fours as too: moody, sensitive, self-absorbed, overly dramatic and emotional, stuck in theirfeelings, critical of Eight’s behavior, inactive and Eights hate Fours self-absorbed emotional dramas and mood swings. Eights can try to snap the Four out of their mood by picking a fight or can justleave the Four alone to weep while they go off and have a good time.



For Fours

  • You can help Eights engage their emotional vulnerability and soft feelings by helping them feel safe in the Eights need to know that you are loyal, trustworthy and honest before they’ll let their guarddown. If you can show loyalty and practical stability as well as steady emotions then Eight will feel safe torelax some control and share his/her heart.


For Eights

  • Fours don’t like to be controlled any more than you do so if you try to control your Four s/he will only rebel,create more conflict and make you feel like you can’t trust him/her. Learn to accept Four’s emotionalitywithout judging Allow your tender feelings to surface and provoke fights less.