Enneagram Type Four relationship with Enneagram Type Six

Enneagram Type Four with Enneagram Type Six


Why the Attraction?

  • Fours and Sixes often feel like kindred spirits since they have many shared perceptions of Sixes can have strong feelings, be highly emotional, feel misunderstood and identify with universal suffering just like Fours. Fours can be fearful, insecure, rebellious and self-doubting just like Sixes. Both fear being abandoned and try to help each other feel safe. Both feel like oppressed outcasts in some way and bond by wanting to protect each other as well as do something significant with their lives to help others out of their oppressed suffering. For all of these reasons, healthy Fours and Sixes offer each other mutual empathy, support and stability. They try to help each other feel safe and reassure each other’s insecurities and vulnerabilities.
  • Fours are initially attracted to Sixes because of their warmth, playfulness, sharp mind and ironic They also like Sixes because they are very understanding and supportive.
  • Sixes are initially attracted to Fours because they are funny, imaginative, insightful, creative, have high ideals and great emotional They also like Fours because they can seem genuine and have mysterious, complex personalities.


Some Shared Positive Traits

  • Are interested in the deeper meaning of things
  • Are aware of the motives and inner worlds of others
  • Are warm and friendly, once they feel safe and comfortable around someone
  • Offer each other genuine support and reassurance
  • Are empathetic and tolerant of each Have great empathy for the weak, downtrodden and disadvantaged
  • Are sensitive and emotional (especially “feeling-type” Sixes)
  • Have very vivid imaginations; can be playful and funny
  • Are analytical and have a healthy skepticism
  • Understand each other’s worries, insecurities and doubts
  • Trust their hunches, feelings and intuitions


Some Shared Negative Traits

  • Have fears of abandonment and rejection from their partner
  • Can feel insecure around other people
  • Can have feelings of self-doubt, inferiority, depression and hopelessness
  • Can worry about things going wrong or not working out
  • Can be contrary and oppositional
  • Can focus on negatives rather than positives
  • Can be reactive, rebellious, defy danger, oppose authority and break rules
  • Can mistrust others (especially authority)
  • Can take foolish risks (especially less healthy counterphobic Sixes and self-preservation Fours)


Differing Traits (and Potential Sources of Frustration or Balance)

  • Feel all alone in life (Fours) Relate well to people (Sixes)
  • Notice what’s missing (Fours) Notice what’s unsafe (Sixes)
  • Tragic Romantic (Fours) Nervous Nellie (Phobic Sixes)
  • Standoffish and Aloof (Fours) Affable and Friendly (Sixes)
  • Welcoming of change (Fours) Resistant to change (Sixes)
  • Iconoclast (Fours) Traditionalist (Phobic Sixes)
  • Bohemian (Fours) Conforming (Phobic Sixes)
  • Disdainful (Fours) Distrustful (Sixes)
  • Impractical and Unstable (Fours) Practical and Stable (Sixes)
  • At …. Undependable (Fours) vs. Dependable (Sixes)
  • At …. Self-hatred (Fours) vs. Paranoia (Sixes)


Potential Problems

  • Fours and Sixes can have many insecurities and vulnerabilities that make relating Both fear abandonment. Both fear rejection. Both can focus on the worst about the future. Both can be overreactive, self-doubting, self-critical, pessimistic and easily feel overwhelmed by life.
  • Sixes can see Fours as too: unpredictable, moody, dramatic, needy for attention, undependable, emotionally unstable, self-absorbed, image-conscious, difficult to satisfy, contrary and chronically Sixes complain that Fours act on the whims of their feelings and are unpredictable. One day the Four can be loving and affectionate toward the Six but the next day their feelings for the Six could change and the Four could be uncommunicative and distant.
  • Fours can see Sixes as too: mistrustful, worrisome, doubting, negative, indecisive, challenging and contrary, controlling, accusatory, cynical, pessimistic and preoccupied with Fours often complain that Sixesaren’t adventuresome or romantic enough because of their fearful and dutiful nature. Fours like excitement/variety in their relationship but Sixes fear change. Another problem: Sixes tend to test the Four’sloyalty by accusing, questioning and mistrusting the Four’s behavior (which is understandable given Four’smood changes). But Fours get tired of being accused, controlled and interrogated. They get tired ofreassuring the Six that the relationship is safe and okay. Both types fear rejection and abandonment so can become codependent.



For Fours

  • You oscillate between loving and wanting to reject your Six because of your own emotional Beaware that if you break up with Six you could idealize the relationship afterwards and want to get backtogether. But Six will distrust you and not want to reunite ‘cause you weren’t committed.


For Sixes

  • You have an alternating pattern of belief in and mistrust of your Four because of inner Your testing of Four’s loyalty through questioning, accusing and challenging can create a self-fulfilling prophesy – your fearand reactivity can bring about what you’re trying to avoid, a break-up. Realize both you and Four are justtrying to protect your hearts.