Enneagram Type Four with Enneagram Type Five
Why the Attraction?
- Fours and Fives are often attracted to each other’s similarities as much as Fours and Fives are unconventional and nonconforming. They can both feel like eccentric outsiders. They both love to explore things deeply and understand fundamental truths. Fours and Fives often prefer to live in their imagination and symbolic world more than the real world. Both enjoy spending time alone to pursue their creative and mental interests. They also enjoy spending time together pursuing similar interests, such as going to cultural events and art festivals, listening to or playing music, going for walks in nature, traveling, having profound philosophical discussions, etc. Fours and Fives both have an offbeat, whimsical sense of humor Fours are initially attracted to Fives for their: incisive intellect, inquisitive questioning, thoughtful analysis, inductive reasoning, brilliant insights and depth/breadth of knowledge. Healthy Fours can help Fives get in touch with their deep feelings and stay with them in intimacy.
- Fives are initially attracted to Fours for their: depth of feeling, insight into the human psyche, creative flair, unique style, well-developed aesthetic sense and ability to engage in rich, stimulating Fours appreciate Fives opening up other worlds of understanding for them by sharing their breadth of knowledge.
- Fours and Fives are individualistic and follow the beat of their own drummer which each respects/admires in the
Some Shared Positive Traits
- Share a joy for investigating their inner worlds
- Are intense, perceptive, insightful and sensitive
- Are analytical, inquisitive and like depth of understanding
- Are introspective, pensive, contemplative and reflective
- Are committed to following their own inspirations
- Share a love of learning about hidden truths, principles
- Appreciate each other’s different perspective on life – Fours are emotionally rich, Fives are mentally rich
- Enjoy stimulating, wide-ranging conversations
- Are individualistic and unconventional yet open-minded
- Are amusingly quirky, idiosyncratic, creative and inventive
- Share a love of peace and quiet and enjoy alone time
- Have an ironic, sharp sense of humor
Some Shared Negative Traits
- Both feel like outsiders and can be unconventional
- Can seem aloof, distant, unapproachable and detached
- Can feel socially awkward and lack communication skills
- Can be retracted, withdrawn, overly private and sensitive
- Can be impractical and imaginative
- Can neglect their physical well-being and health
- Can be moody and have dark, foreboding thoughts
- Can be eccentric oddballs disengaged from reality
- Can be condescending and act superior yet feel inferior and self-doubting inside
- At worst, can feel isolated and alienated
Differing Traits (and Potential Sources of Frustration or Balance)
- Emotional, Irrational (Fours) Mental, Rational (Fives)
- Push for more contact (Fours) Pull for more privacy (Fives)
- Incite deep feelings (Fours) Avoid deep feelings (Fives)
- Let’s bond emotionally (Fours) Let’s bond mentally (Fives)
- Emotionally attached, Passionate (Fours) Emotionally detached, Dispassionate (Fives)
- Need more attention (Fours) Need less attention (Fives)
- Poor boundaries (Fours) Good boundaries (Fives)
- Temperamental, Demanding (Fours) Even-keeled, Undemanding (Fives)
- Luxurious tastes (Fours) Minimalist tastes (Fives)
- Major problems: Boundary issues and different emotional Fours want more intimacy and contact, Fives want less.
- Fours are more emotional and Fives are more emotionally Fives have trouble with Four’s emotionality and constant need for attention. Fives can feel overwhelmed and easily drained by Fours. Fivessee Fours as intimacy junkies and bottomless pits of neediness. Fours can seem unpredictable and irrationalto Fives, even out of control.
- Fours can feel Fives are too intellectual, emotionally detached, unavailable and Fours can see Fives asuncaring. They feel like Fives don’t even try to understand their needs and don’t give them the quality ofattention they would like. Fours like to share personal information with their partner but Fives can seem towithhold personal information rather than share. Fours are self-conscious. They feel that Fives are constantlyanalyzing and judging them rather than sympathizing with them when they’re in a bad mood.
- Fours and Fives can be critical yet both are sensitive to
- Fours can see Fives as too: emotionally detached/unavailable, overly intellectual, private and secretive, stingy with their time/energy, critical, reclusive and inattentive to
- Fives can see Fours as too: emotional, dramatic, lacking in boundaries, needy for attention, moody, self- absorbed, intrusive, difficult to satisfy and chronically
Advice For Fours
- Fives are private people who don’t share in your need for deep emotional bonding and prolonged Respect your Five’s boundaries and the degree of intimacy s/he is comfortable with. Paradoxically, as Five realizes you don’t need him/her, s/he will be more emotionally available.
- Try not to react to Four’s moodiness and emotionally Work at maintaining contact despite someanxiety about feeling overwhelmed. If you need time alone make sure you let your Four know that you’re notrejecting him/her. Try to empathize with your Four rather than analyzing or judging him/her as being irrational.