Enneagram Type Four with Enneagram Type Four
Why the Attraction?
- Fours feel misunderstood by everyone so when two Fours meet it is as if they instantly recognize a kindred Fours have great depth of feeling and long for the love of their life to come along. Like Twos, Fours begin sharing personal information very quickly in an effort to create deep intimacy and emotional bonding. Fours are emotionally intense people. Each projects wonderful, ideal qualities onto the other person since they seem to have so much in common. Fours appreciate each other’s passion, unique way of thinking, idealism and romanticism. They love to share their traumatic upbringing with each other and bond through feeling different and misunderstood. Fours can truly appreciate each other’s sensitivity and emotionality.
- Fours respect each other’s uniqueness and Fours can be awfully funny together, laughing at each other’s jokes as well as themselves and their foibles. They enjoy fantasizing about their future together and sharing their dreams. Both are interested in soul development and love sharing their deep insights into themselves as well as human nature. They enjoy talking about the meaning of life. Fours are compassionate and caring people who want to do something meaningful with their life. Fours admire each other’s style, aesthetic sensibilities, beauty and creativity. Fours understand each other’s moodiness and truly have the capacity to be authentic, genuine friends to each other when healthy.
Some Shared Positive Traits
- Feel deeply understood by each other and less alone in the world
- Share a wonderful emotional bond with each other
- Like to share deep feelings and private, personal information to connect intimately
- Both are emotionally sensitive to each other’s needs
- Like diving into their own as well as others’ psyches
- They’re interested in soul development and like sharing their insights, dreams and inner states with eachother
- Can be really great companions and friends
- Admire each other’s creativity and encourage each other’s unique expression and ironic sense of humor
- Are intense, passionate, highly romantic and idealistic
- Enjoy laughing at each other’s foibles and insecurities
- Like to be distinctive and special; they admire each other’s uniqueness and individuality
- Have high standards for themselves and are hard working
- Enjoy sharing their dreams and fantasies with each other
- Understand each other’s moodiness and self-doubts
- Have great appreciation for beauty, style and aesthetics
- Want to be open, authentic and real with each other
- Are warm and friendly once they know people and feel liked
- Want to do something meaningful, deep with their lives
- Are compassionate and care about other people
Some Shared Negative Traits
- Can over-idealize each other but then get disappointed and disillusioned when they start noticing each other’s flaws
- Focus on what’s missing in love and life; perfectionism
- Have a fear of rejection, abandonment and feeling shamed
- Can be too self-absorbed and demanding of attention
- Feel socially inept, shy, inhibited, alienated and estranged
- Are hypersensitive to slights and take things personally
- Can be very moody, temperamental, dramatic and reactive
- Get depressed easily and don’t try to get out of their moods
- Get down when comparing their real self to their ideal self
- Can live in a fantasy world and not deal with reality well
- Put off doing things until they’re in just the right mood
- Can be rebellious, self-indulgent and often feel exempt
- The major problems: Fours fear abandonment, fear being too flawed (and rejected), and can be emotionally
- Initially Fours see each other as wonderful and perfect mates because of their idealized projections of each Unfortunately, Fours unconscious tendency is to focus on what’s missing in their life, which includes their love life. It doesn’t take long before Fours start to become aware of each other’s all-too-human flaws.Then disillusionment, disappointment and depression set in as prince (or princess) charming falls off the pedestal and expectations of a fulfilling life together are dashed.
- Fours are inherently moody, self-absorbed and emotional people, swayed to and fro by their When Fours are upset with their Four partner they will withhold attention and affection and withdraw until their mood has passed. If Fours lose interest in their partner altogether they can be uncommunicative, nasty, cold and blaming. They will push their partner away when disenchanted. The Four being pushed away will either pursue the other Four out of desperation, fearing abandonment, or feel so devastated and rejected that they just leave in abject despair with their tail between their legs. Since Fours long for what’s missing they can often think back fondly on their relationship together rather than the problems they had. For this reason,Fours can sometimes break up and get back together many times.
- Both of you are looking for the ideal partner who is going to make you feel whole and complete – and it will never happen until you EACH feel whole and complete within You may think “If only s/he morea little more like this and a little less like that, then I would be happy with him/her.” It won’t work. The Fourhabit of mind is to focus on what’s missing. Both of you have a deep fear of abandonment and rejection. Younotice flaws to perpetuate the underlying expectation of disappointment. Work on your own personal development and learn to how to appreciate what you DO have in each other that you won’t find in any othertype (see type Four description).